Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Little Duckies

Update:  Before God brought Frizzle into our lives I struggled with "being the perfect single parent" syndrome;
Sometimes my kids ask questions that are too hard to answer. Sometimes they are honest with me and it breaks my heart. Sometimes they hurt and I can't do anything except love them. You know.

The truth is
I don't have all the answers.
I don't know how to make the fearful child feel safe.
I don't know how to explain their losses to them.

I can't be a dad, 
as much as I try to be tough (and I am)
and be all things for my kids,
I just don't have that ability.

I am just me. I'm the same little girl God made...inside. I just look older.
I'm tough sometimes, but I'm also scared, and I cry, and I wonder if I'm doing the best thing, and I wonder if I could do better.
I have faced things ... even now I can't imagine how I got through them...but I still don't feel like I have it together.

Time? I don't have time.
I will never, ever have enough time.
I know that now.
We can't do all the things I dreamed of so long ago. But, we can do the important things. We can love and laugh and read and play. We can be together.

I love my children as fiercely as any mother who ever lived.
I would do anything in my power to keep them safe.
I KNOW we have angels around us.

I know that other people have suffered great loss too, and somehow God can use those things to create something beautiful of our lives.
I've met people who allowed that to happen.
I cling to that hope for my kids.

I know that God is my children's Father,
not just in Spirit,
but in reality. He CAN be tangible to them in some way.
I also know that it's not my job to convince my children. I just tell them. I hug them. I love them. And I trust that God loves them more than I do. Who says the Holy Spirit can't speak to a child's heart? Aren't we supposed to be like little children?

I know that God created time.
If He only gives me the same amount of time He gives a two parent family...well...
He must want me to use it differently.
So I will.
I am losing interest in defending myself to those who just don't understand. That's okay. God understands.

I have learned that all my dreams and planning were childish...maybe not wrong...but certainly not practical now. God has always held all my days in His hand. He has not been surprised...not even once.

My pride has been crushed...and I suppose that, since I am human, I will have more battles to fight with pride in the future.
But for now,
if you see me wearing pajamas midday or swinging at the park instead of drilling the multiplication tables or rocking my "babies" instead of  office work, or reading stories instead of selling one more thing online, or playing trains instead of vacuuming, I don't care. I have a very important job.
And my employer will ask me to retire from it someday.
And I hope when He sees me He says "Well done".

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